.

結果我變得非常膽小。以前愛著你時寫的日記我一點都不敢去點閱。好想還有甚麼留著似的，都是我自己為自己寫下的。那麼你呢。沒有了我你一點不一樣都沒有。你還是很快活的過著每天。我是忌妒你的美好忌妒你的善良。於是我不得不開始贈恨你。我好恨你。我有時候真希望至少你死在我手裡。秋天了。沒有你的擁抱我再度回到冰冷的軀體。秋天了滿地歎息。

糖人

我決定接下來幾天要試著少吃一點糖果蛋糕。最近不斷的昏睡。但是我一天都只有吃一些些。我無法在這樣下去了，我也許就會因為過食甜食而死去。雖然我覺得這無非是種幸福但我就這樣離開世界總對自己有點交代不過去。

今天好友問我說我是不是一個愛情主義的人。我當下心裡的答案是肯定的，雖然我不是很清楚何謂愛情主義。我猜大概是很相信愛情的人。愛情本身也許不值得去相信太多，但我卻相信愛情可以帶來的快樂是最大的。愛情可以給人的勇氣也很大，至少我活到了今天。

不過我的愛情總是挫敗的。而事到如今我才發現這一點都不是一件可恥的事情。的確以前替自己困窘的愛戀感到羞恥。但我現在卻越來越了解我只是難相處了點。太有稜有角的人在愛情裡似乎一點都不吃香。哎。其實我也想改掉這骨子臭脾氣卻怎麼辦都辦不到。

想到一些我曾經深愛過的幾個人。我再也不敢確定我有過或失去過甚麼。昨天很湊巧翻到泰戈爾的一首詩很短只有兩句。By touching you may kill by keeping away you may possess.

我也不知到這種冰冷的儲存回憶可以維持多久。我只知道現在的我是曾經被徹底撕裂過的。

病患 朋友

我是個經常頭暈的人，我不知到我是否身體的某個器官已經徹底的壞了崩解了。聽說糖尿病患者會中一種毒，但我一輩子都記不得名字。我也不知到我是不是中了這種毒了。頭好暈，不睡覺頭暈，睡太久頭更暈。我是個淺眠的人，有時候非常妒忌可以睡很久很久卻不會頭暈者。

最近的生活好孤單。我想就是因為身邊並沒有一個願意好好聽我說話的人，所以我才這麼重度依賴網路。我是喜歡上網的東看西看好想也可以跟人群近一點。對於人群的矛盾情感跟對於都市的情感是一模一樣的。我非常喜歡大都市，卻討厭都市的擁擠。然而我連對其他人在我網頁上的留言感到非常敏感，透過螢幕就這樣實實在在的面對人當然就更不會處理。我一直是個情緒處裡得非常糟糕的人。我自小便是臭脾氣，逆鱗非常的多。結果我在想我會這麼孤單都是自己造成的。因為我一點都不懂的怎麼好好容忍我不喜歡的人。但另一方面來講我認為我是很會看他人優點的所以我的朋友三教九流五花八門。不過真正熟識的也只有幾個，真正得以談心暢談的也了寥寥無幾。我高中的時候朋友多到可怕我想是那時後大家甚麼都不懂甚麼都能忍受才可以忍受得了我。高中有許多很好的朋友，有些人陪我走到現在，也很多人絕情的離我而去。會不會是我太早體驗到了失去朋友的苦痛我才如此憤世。我不知道。應該不是憤世，應該是說我在很多方面我越來越不相信任何的關係。我相信關係是脆弱的bonding是很需要緣份還有時間的。上禮拜回台南潘羽軒生日聚集了許多人。其中有熟的跟不熟的，但那天我難得開心。其實我這輩子的幾個重要的朋友那天該出現的也都出現了。要去吃飯之前媽媽告訴我要多珍惜可以跟朋友在一起的日子，也的確我的朋友大部份都畢業了。當兵的當兵出國的出國。退伍的人繼續徬徨。我這邊說得友人是我高中時期的朋友。那些讓我又愛又恨的所有人。

我開始想起許多年前的事情。從高中開始總是我，潘羽軒，戴己二，賴律錡成天晃阿晃的。Ｋ書中心，補習班，海邊，吃。永遠都在吃。我捫四個甚至一起拍過大頭貼。這真是一件恐怖的事情。我想起我捫去過的好多場所，也想起如今四個人要聚在一起越來越難。潘羽軒要出國，戴己二龜毛，賴律錡交女友（說到賴律錡總覺得他是個浪漫的人，他似乎也以浪子自居。我認為我的朋友裡面他最會體驗愛情了。唯一不開心的事情是我跟他一起打牌至今還沒贏過錢這真是奇怪。因為他每次都會放屁或跟女朋友講電話）

說到永遠都在吃絕對少不了陳昱余還有楊宇帆。他捫兩個我把他捫歸類為最會吃的朋友。一個是吃麻辣鍋一定要猛加蝦子另一個則是大家都吃飽了他還在追加大陸妹。陳昱余算是我最好的朋友之一可能是我跟他一起經歷過他每個可怕的女朋友。楊宇帆則是他一直瘋瘋顛顛的這方面跟我幾分相似。還有一種革命情感吧。例如載著肥胖的我機車拋錨。

用星座來把人類劃分成12種性格不是太公平精準但我還是願意用星座來作個小小統計。最讓我喜歡的朋友是雙子座。跟我最合的大概是天平座。我最愛慕的朋友就是雙子座。他叫做李法賢。李法賢是我人生裡最異類的朋友。我認為他相當孤僻但他不這麼認為。但我一點都不在乎他是異類，他可能只是一個比較喜歡安靜的人。他可以陪我這種乏味的人我深感佩服與感激。後來我發現朋友的相聚都有一些中心在。例如說我跟李法賢通常都是兩個人。回台南的話就也會有阿照。阿照也是我很喜歡的人也是我很好的朋友。但在我心裡他也是異類。我說不出原因。阿照非常英俊但我從來不想去承認這件事情。因為他太瘦了最近似乎想練壯結果都被我跟李法賢笑是娘娘腔。我捫三過做過一些奇怪的事情，例如說一起去看鬼片。李法賢緊抓著我像個少女，阿照則是一點反應都沒有。李法賢跟阿照會莫名讓我生氣但我深深知道它捫是我人生無法失去的人所以我也無法生氣太久。當然我有的朋友還有很多。現在想一想我朋友並沒有越來越少了。只不過事剩下的這些讓我更懂得去珍惜了。這些友誼在我生命裡頭的份量也越來越重了。假如你不小心意外看到這篇文章卻發現自己不在裡頭一點都不須要難過。你有辦法到這裡來點看這些無聊的文章就是我非常好的朋友了。

現在我感覺舒坦很多了，原來我擁有的東西還數不完。

失去的東西不過是肌膚的角質。像是一葉花瓣。

敦化北路。

今天去了敦化北路。全台北市我最喜歡敦化北路了。

今天去看我從來不懂也不了解過的比賽。

太多事情你不了解了。例如說我只是很單純的希望你可以開心。即使一天可能你只有這幾個鐘頭是開心的也好。做了很大的思考才決定這麼做的。把機會從所有人身上剔除，就把唯一一把鑰匙交給你了。我有那麼點內疚覺得自己對朋友沒什麼義氣，但卻又告訴自己只要看到你開心的笑容我也就覺得夠了。無法讓心愛的人知道自己的愛是很痛苦的。然而我從來不敢開口問甚麼開口要求甚麼。我只主動的想能為你做什麼，被動的去接受甚麼。我甚至一點也不了解是從甚麼時候開始得。

你我他他你我我他你

糾纏折磨愛慕心碎

魚死了玻璃碎了

橫屍 暴露的水草

滿地的沙

你捫贈予我的彈珠

關於ts eliot

Reading T.S Eliot is always a great pleasure for me. His poems made me realize one thing as for reading poems; that understanding the meaning behind every single word is not a necessity. Of course, I am not claiming we should neglect the meaning and motifs behind the words. What I am trying to say is that by simply reading out loud the words and the lines would cause us great excitement as well. To me, excitement is just not enough a word to describe the joy that reading poems brings. I would say it is an orgasm. Reading poetry is an orgasm for our teeth, our lips, our palate, and our tongue. (Am I being crazy?)

T.S Eliot’s poems were never easy to understand. I have tried to read “The Waste Land” but I failed. I could not even finish it. Well, this time we have “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, “The Boston Evening Transcript”, “Journey of the Magi” and “Preludes”. I like “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” the most. I would choose the first twenty lines to discuss, which leads the whole reading of the poem. The very first three lines are just too beautifully written: “Let us go then you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherised upon a table” As I read it out loud, hearing the rhyming “I” and “sky”, I just could not help but wear a subtle smile on my face. A mere laughter just came to me, like a possession. Right after this amazing line comes the most powerful line (as my consideration): “Like a patient etherized upon a table”. The line brings us to a gloomy ambiance, an ambiance that has the smell of death. I love this line, which is the most marvelous depiction of a sky. When we look at the sky, we may start to have a sense of nostalgia, we may feel the situation of the fact of things are ephemeral. But the sky is always high up there upon us, we would never think of it as an object being “upon a table” and personified, that is, being “etherised”. This would be a reverse of space, to put the infinite sky upon a table, and make it die. I was wondering, what would happen if we could pull the sky down and destroy it? Why would the speaker want to etherise the sky? Why not just smash it into pieces but to etherise it, to let it die slowly? As my own interpretation, sky may be a symbol of dreams, fulfillment, and broaden space. On the other hand, the sky may also be a symbol of melancholy feelings, such as what I just mentioned: nostalgia, ephemeral, losing, and so forth. The speaker ejaculating the sky is like a patient being etherised upon a table might be suggesting eliminating the dreams and hopes. Being despair. It could be the other situation, that to kill the despair, or to kill the negative feelings.

Then the speaker changes his view from the sky to the street. “Let us go” again. I think this is interesting. My own interpretation is that the speaker, J. Alfred Prufrock is being alone. It is like a monologue going on, saying, “let us go”. I have a very strong feeling, or empathy to this “Let us go then you and I ”. No matter we travel or just simply wandering around the road, whenever we are alone, we may wish that our beloved were able to accompany us. To see beautiful things with our lover is euphoria. Beautiful things always make me a bit gloomy and sentimental, I always desire to have somebody being beside me and appreciate the beauty. I also have a fantasy, an ideal, which is to have a boyfriend (sorry, I do not intent to come out as this way) lying on the bed and listen to my poems reading. I love to share poems with anyone, but actually there is not much that appreciates the beauty of a poem. What a shame. Being a love song, this poem may be a pour out of the speaker. This is the reason I feel great empathy toward the speaker. I am saying too much. Back to the view of the street, we can see that the street is quite dejected and crestfallen by the lines “The muttering retreats of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells”. Maybe we can rephrase these lines as “The muttering of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels and sawdust restaurants with oyster shells retreats”, so that it become easier to understand. Well, I do not know whether I am right or not. I just know retreat from, and retreat to; I never knew what is retreat of. Then the speaker begins to ask himself questions, and it is the street causes his questioning. “Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question”, just right after the “overwhelming question” the speaker tells himself “Oh, do not ask what is it ”. Such a riddle would trigger our reader’s curiosity, yes, what is it? Well, by just seeing the coming line “Let us go and make your visit”, we can see that the speaker is a bit anxious about the visit he is attending. After the line “In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo” comes the “yellow fog” part. I think the yellow flog is suggesting the air pollution, dusty and stagnant air just perfectly fits the dejected street scene. Well, I am not an expert of modernism, but I can feel that there is a sense of modernism. In modernism poetry we can see elements of the city, things that are close to your life, things on the street. I do not really know why, but the atmosphere of modernism always seems to be gloomy, quite dark and depressing. The yellow fog, sawdust restaurants build this scene that matched my imagination and impression of modernism. There are some modernism writers came into my mind: William Faulkner, James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, and James Joyce. These are all writers famous of the skill of “stream of consciousness”. To simplify, I would say the skill is sort of a monologue (maybe not so precise). I think the stream of consciousness is disintegrating the chronological system (not showing off, Benji in The Sound and The Fury is a great example). The speaker, J. Alfred Prufrock is also making a monologue, let is go then you and I.

Another thing I found interesting is Prufrock’s ambivalent and contradicted attitude toward the visit, to the place where “The women come and go talking of Michelangelo”, by the lines “My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin”. It shows that Prufrock does care about the visit, or he would not be well dressed. He cares about how he looks in the visiting, worrying about people might say, “How his hair is growing thin”. But we cannot claim that Prufrock likes the visit. “To prepare a face to meet the faces you meet, There will be time to murder and create” is like a complaint of being pretentious, the face needs to be “prepared” to meet the “faces”, to murder the real self and to create a new one to meet the people. This is really tedious, it is tedious to social and meet people we do not really like.

I also like the atmosphere of sea in the end, the mermaid part. The lines somehow remind me of Joyce’s Ulysses (of course I never finished this thick and difficult novel). I remember there is a chapter the protagonist (Stephan, if I did not remember it wrong) is walking along the sea, and lots of thoughts come to his mind. He sees the green color of the sea, and the green reminds him of his mother’s death. There are beautiful depicts of the sea in Ulysses, and it is somehow related to death. In “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, we can feel the atmosphere of death as well, “Till human voice wakes us, and we drown”. As the moment finish reading this line, I sighed a little bit, with some tristesse. We do drown in the water that we never wanted to be in. Sigh.

對不起

對不起，我又陷入極度的沮喪了。我幾乎快要沒有任何出口了。我痛恨每次這種就要窒息與崩潰的感覺。從今天在路上遇到你的開始，我知道我會陷入非常大的情緒危機。一點都不想要再看到你，因為我很清楚的知道你一點都不想要理我了。我也再清楚不過對於你我已經甚麼都不是了。既然這樣我捫彼此裝甚麼呢。今天從電梯走出去馬上就看到你，原本裝作沒看到你卻那樣笑著向我走過來。你問說我前幾天打給你做甚麼。幹什麼要問呢既然都看到了當下不回我就知道你一點都不在乎我打給你這件事情了現在何必又再問起。你做了以前我認為親密的時候的動作，而我懦弱的不知該怎麼拒絕，我甚至想要耽溺在裡頭。你的溫柔我不清楚你是否包裝過，而你的偽裝填滿了我所有的匱乏。既然知道我還愛你為甚麼不好聚好散呢。你假若真的想離開我了何必再裝呢。不接電話怎麼可能代表你還在乎我。不用再騙我了。拜託不要再騙我了。我沒有力氣再傷心。我不想要你讓我把對你的感激與那剩下我還認為美好的東西一點一點的磨完。不能放我好好的傷心嗎不能放我一個好好想你嗎。溫存的遐想，逝去的美好甜蜜，你不會變得笑容，我被你掠奪後的屍體。構成無可言諭的荒謬，無法阻止的傷悲。